As I sit here and watch the curser flash waiting on me to pour my heart out, I’m trying to figure out where exactly to start. I guess the best way is just to be brutally honest and genuine. I want this post to be the first one you see if you stumble across my blog. The rest of what you read here is what I want my child to some day read, what I want others who share the same hurt and longing to see and know that they aren’t alone and I also want you to understand where this all started. But as for this post, this one is just for you….
I wish you knew how much I envied you. Your ability to bring a little heart beat to life is so incredible and something I want more than anything in the world. I am so jealous of you. I can only imagine how hard it is for you to make the decision that you are but the respect I have for you is out of this world. You are one strong women! As hard as this is for you to understand, I want you to know that I love you as well. I don’t know you yet and I don’t know our miracle yet, but the love I have for you, your decision, your gift and your act of selfish love is unconditional. You will forever occupy a corner of my heart that no one can ever touch. Your doing an amazing thing for not just your child, but me, my husband and SO many other members of our family. They have so many aunts, uncles, cousins and most importantly Mimi’s and Poppie’s that love him or her already and can’t wait to give so much love as well!
There is so much about Marc and I that I want you to know. I want you to know how much we have prayed for you and how much everyone in our life has prayed for you. Yes, YOU! You are so important and without you our dreams are impossible. I want you to know how much we have reached out to find you. I want you to know how much we want to be a mommy and daddy. There is no title on this earth that I want more than Mommy. I want you to know how many tears we have shed wishing that we could just make this happen for ourselves. I feel so guilty that I can’t do the one thing that a women was uniquely created to do but you can, and how precious you are for that ability and sacrifice you are making for us. Here I am only 2 paragraphs in and I’m crying at the thought that you might read this tonight while I am sleeping. So before I become a sobbing mess, let me just start with some basics to give you an idea of who we are.
Marc and I have known each other since we were 8 years old and I have been in love with him since day one! We were married on the kickball field in 3rd grade and that’s when I first took his name and plastered it all over my notebooks and filled my diary with it. (I still have them!) We have officially been together since 2009 and he is my very best friend. We have a simple home here in Kentucky where we live complete with a huge backyard ready to be filled with toys, sprinklers, mud puddles and memories! Marc and I painted and finished baby’s nursery this past fall, you would love it! Its already filled with toys, books, stuffed bunnies and prayers. We have 2 cats (that we ironically adopted as well), I own a small custom cake business that I hope to turn into a store front bakery someday and Marc enjoys working on projects around the house and tinkering in the garage. Marc works in HR for an engineering firm and am a staffing manager for a staffing agency. We both have a passion for working with the youth in our community and helping people. We have a lot of friends who have a lot of love and prayers invested into you and baby as well. We love to go bowling, horseback riding, camping and anything else that is spontaneous. We like to enjoy life and live as much as we can and have so many things planned that we want to do with him or her as well as the grow up! I play the piano and love to sing, this is something I can’t wait to share with baby one day as well. My parents pastor a church and this is also something we plan on instilling in your precious child, the gift of knowing our maker and the one gave their mother the courage and peace to know that this was the right decision.
I am so afraid of leaving something out that you want to know or read. I wish so badly that I could talk to you right now and just get to know who you are and where this journey started for you. We all have a story to tell in life and yours right now is the most important to me. I can’t promise that you won’t question this decision but I can promise that you don’t have to worry about baby. We will tell them all about you and how strong and brave their mother is. I can’t begin to express the feeling of longing I have for you to make your way into our life. I have dreamed about baby a lot lately, there is no face, no gender, no true details…I just see them in my arms. I know you are getting closer to us and I can’t wait for the day you contact me.
You will forever be 1st mom and one of many things I will always be thankful for. I hope as you read this you know that we are here for you. Please know that you can reach out to me anytime with questions or if you need someone to talk to and I am there! I hope to hear from you soon, until then and as always; I am praying for you both!
With all the love I can give,
“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love”
1 Corinthians 13:13