Dear birth mother,

As I sit here and watch the curser flash waiting on me to pour my heart out, I’m trying to figure out where exactly to start. I guess the best way is just to be brutally honest and genuine. I want this post to be the first one you see if you stumble across my blog. The rest of what you read here is what I want my child to some day read, what I want others who share the  same hurt and longing to see and know that they aren’t alone and I also want you to understand where this all started. But as for this post, this one is just for you….

I wish you knew how much I envied you. Your ability to bring a little heart beat to life is so incredible and something I want more than anything in the world. I am so jealous of you. I can only imagine how hard it is for you to make the decision that you are but the respect I have for you is out of this world. You are one strong women! As hard as this is for you to understand, I want you to know that I love you as well. I don’t know you yet and I don’t know our miracle yet, but the love I have for you, your decision, your gift and your act of selfish love is unconditional. You will forever occupy a corner of my heart that no one can ever touch. Your doing an amazing thing for not just your child, but me, my husband and SO many other members of our family. They have so many aunts, uncles, cousins and most importantly Mimi’s and Poppie’s that love him or her already and can’t wait to give so much love as well!

There is so much about Marc and I that I want you to know. I want you to know how much we have prayed for you and how much everyone in our life has prayed for you. Yes, YOU! You are so important and without you our dreams are impossible. I want you to know how much we have reached out to find you. I want you to know how much we want to be a mommy and daddy. There is no title on this earth that I want more than Mommy. I want you to know how many tears we have shed wishing that we could just make this happen for ourselves. I feel so guilty that I can’t do the one thing that a women was uniquely created to do but you can, and how precious you are for that ability and sacrifice you are making for us. Here I am only 2 paragraphs in and I’m crying at the thought that you might read this tonight while I am sleeping. So before I become a sobbing mess, let me just start with some basics to give you an idea of who we are.

Marc and I have known each other since we were 8 years old and I have been in love with him since day one! We were married on the kickball field in 3rd grade and that’s when I first took his name and plastered it all over my notebooks and filled my diary with it. (I still have them!)  We have officially been together since 2009 and he is my very best friend. We have a simple home here in Kentucky where we live complete with a huge backyard ready to be filled with toys, sprinklers, mud puddles and memories! Marc and I painted and finished baby’s nursery this past fall, you would love it! Its already filled with toys, books, stuffed bunnies and prayers. We have 2 cats (that we ironically adopted as well),  I own a small custom cake business that I hope to turn into a store front bakery someday and Marc enjoys working on projects around the house and tinkering in the garage. Marc works in HR for an engineering firm and am a staffing manager for a staffing agency. We both have a passion for working with the youth in our community and helping people. We have a lot of friends who have a lot of love and prayers invested into you and baby as well. We love to go bowling, horseback riding, camping and anything else that is spontaneous. We like to enjoy life and live as much as we can and have so many things planned that we want to do with him or her as well as the grow up! I play the piano and love to sing, this is something I can’t wait to share with baby one day as well. My parents pastor a church and this is also something we plan on instilling in your precious child, the gift of knowing our maker and the one gave their mother the courage and peace to know that this was the right decision.

I am so afraid of leaving something out that you want to know or read. I wish so badly that I could talk to you right now and just get to know who you are and where this journey started for you. We all have a story to tell in life and yours right now is the most important to me. I can’t promise that you won’t question this decision but I can promise that you don’t have to worry about baby. We will tell them  all about you and how strong and brave their mother is. I can’t begin to express the feeling of longing I have for you to make your way into our life. I have dreamed about baby a lot lately, there is no face, no gender, no true details…I just see them in my arms. I know you are getting closer to us and I can’t wait for the day you contact me.

You will forever be 1st mom and one of many things I will always be thankful for. I hope as you read this you know that we are here for you. Please know that you can reach out to me anytime with questions or if you need someone to talk to and I am there! I hope to hear from you soon, until then and as always; I am praying for you both!

Thejourneyforbabyr@yahoo.com

With all the love I can give,

Kimberly

“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love”

1 Corinthians 13:13

 

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Know Pain, Know Healing 


I scream inside daily. I get angry easily when watching parents take their children for granted. Abortion is something that breaks my heart knowing how much love I have for him or her. There are emotions I hold in from even my husband for sake of not wanting to cry about it anymore. Then there are some times when I’m driving in the car by myself I just cry to get it all out. Sometimes I want to talk about it when people ask “how things are going” and sometimes I just put on my positive smile, show my strong side and tell them “we’re just waiting on Gods timing, everything is fine”. Some times I’m honest with people and tell them how bitter I feel and other times I want to buy baby clothes for my pregnant friends and be happy for them. Sometimes I’m incredibly irritable. Some days are just plain harder than others. It’s a battle daily but with all the uncertainties and inner struggles I face everyday there is only one thing I am sure of….I WILL NOT give up! No matter how hard it is, how much I cry and how much I will never understand “why”; I. Will. Not. Give. Up.

http://youtu.be/6UFz8-J1P5g

A Christmas prayer 

A Christmas prayer 

This past week we have received more referrals for adoption than we have since we completed our certification. My heart is heavy as I read all of these children’s stories. Stories of loss, abuse, emotional hurt, medical conditions, addictions and abandonment. I can’t help but hurt for them as I think about the ones who are living in orphanages not only all over the world but right here in the city I live in. Tonight as everyone is celebrating Christmas with their family and friends, I ask that you truly take a moment to be thankful for the family you have around you, the food you have in front of you and the gifts you will receive because there are many children who will have none of these things! We received about 30 emails this week in regards to over 50 kids from ages 2-18 who wont wake up tomorrow morning to a mom & dad anxious to see their smiling faces open gifts. I ask that you join me in praying for all the children in orphanages and foster care this Christmas. I can only imagine how they feel not only tomorrow, but everyday. As much as my heart yearns to write From: Mommy & Daddy on a cute snowman gift tag there is a child who wants to receive that gift more! We will continue to remain patient and pray for our baby as he or she makes her journey to us but in the mean we will also pray for all the children and also their parents who are out there waiting on them too. We celebrate Christmas in honor of a baby who was born a Savior by way of a miracle to a virgin. As impossible as that statement sounds, it happened; and that gives me hope in not only our circumstance but in each of the children in the systems circumstance. Tonight I pray for them that their hearts know and feel hope. I am so thankful for the all people I share life with. And even more thankful for the life God saw fit to give me. I have always had a home with 2 parents and a life filled with so much more love than I probably deserved. So with all of this said; Merry Christmas to all of my family and friends and I pray we all know and realize how blessed we truly are!

Hanging On….

Hanging On….

Tonight I’m reminded of the lyrics to a song I love that’s helped me through this entire journey 

  
“You see my anxious heart…and when I fall apart you are there to hold me” 

We have so many close friends that are pregnant this year, the “baby’s first Christmas” items are out in full force, all the cute holiday pregnancy announcements flood our newsfeed on social media and shopping for all the little ones in our life was hard. 

Last year with our fertility treatments we were convinced (the doctors were also) that we would be pregnant by Christmas…but God had other plans. 

This year we finished our adoption process in time for the holidays (intentionally) and again we were convinced we would be bringing home our baby by Christmas…but again God had other plans. 

It so hard to find that balance of feeling bitterness, happiness, depression, anxiousness and excitement. (And these are just a few of the emotions I experience every day…scratch that; every hour!) 

I read a blog posting today titled “to the girl with baby on her Christmas list” and it was like I had wrote it myself! I had said so many times all of things she wrote about. I had heard all of the things she had heard as well from friends and family. I had literally felt ever emotion she described. I felt like she knew me. I felt like she was reading my mind…..And then I realized…there are other people facing the same struggles I am. She actually understood and “got it”. She wasn’t just saying things not knowing how it really felt to experience that struggle. But here is the gut puncher: Did it give me peace? No. Did I feel better and walk away ready to go buy every expectant mother in the world a gift and tell them how happy I am for them? (Sadly) No. Did it give me comfort? A little. 

I wish so badly this feeling of emptiness, defeat and failure didn’t hover me like my own personal storm cloud, but it does. Some days my world is sunny, sometimes partly cloudy and many days my storm cloud turns into “hurricane Kimberly”…. but one thing is for sure, every storm has an ending even when we can’t see the calm or the rainbow (just yet)

Until God sends me my rainbow, our “Baby R” stocking will remain hanging over the mantle again this year. I will continue to trust in Gods plan. I have to believe that He knows something that I don’t, as hard as that may be.

I am so thankful for all the friends in my life who encourage us, pray for us and are part of this journey with us. To my friends who are pregnant, congratulations if I haven’t told you yet, I truly am happy for you! I know it may not seem that way but I am. You will never know how hard it is to get those words out of my mouth when I want the thing that you have so badly. I encourage you to read To the girl with baby on her Christmas list . She knows exactly what I’m trying to say.

Tonight and every night I’ll continue to pray…and hang on 

“Wait on the Lord and be of courage and He will strengthen your heart. Wait I say wait” Psalms 27:14 ISV

  

Here we are…

Here we are…

Here we are….

In the place I was so scared of being

In a state where it just feels like dreaming

In the moment where I feel I’m forever living

Bitterness swallows all my hearts quick beatings

I can’t smile for fear of seeing

Impossible is the river from which my tears are streaming

My hope is clouded but I’m still believing

Swift I pray comes the day his promises revealing

So that I may thaw the cold heart and start my healing

I am owning this pain for these are my feelings

No one can take them from me-I will over come-victory foreseeing.

 

 

 

 

 

Jesus, family and smiling

Today is my Mom’s birthday and I can’t help but look back and reflect on all the important life lessons she has instilled in me that I will in turn pour over into my own children someday (hopefully soon). Most parents teach their children to love one another, respect your elders, mind your P’s and Q’s, always say “Yes ma’am and “No sir” and all the other things that any good parent should instruct their children to do. Don’t get me wrong my Mom taught me those things but there is so much more to life. She taught me there is only one kind of slushie in this world…blue, that even Groundhogs Day deserves a greeting card, when you go to Frisch’s you always decline the menu (everyone knows you can only order a Big Boy), all of life’s important lessons are learned from the Bible…and Gilmore Girl’s, meatloaf is made with cheese not ketchup and Friday the 13th means nothing-Saturday 14th is the one you have you worry about! Yup, she’s taught me everything I need to know! These are the things I want my son or daughter to know in life. These things might sound crazy and I’m sure most will have no idea what I am talking about but that’s the point. As a mother she did her job right by teaching me to love life, stay positive, create traditions and memories and most importantly…SMILE! She’s always made sure I am smiling and that I have the best memories to share with others!

momma momma2

These are the things that life is all about. We live in a world so consumed with hatred and judgement that Jesus, family and smiling is the only things we need at the end of the day when we lay our heads down. Our relationship with Jesus should come first. He needs to be the first person and last person I talk every day. Our family is the second thing we need. My husband, my parents and my sister are always in my corner and there to lift me up when I feel like I can’t stand anymore. They know you best and technically they have no choice but to love you. lol And lastly that thing that sits at the bottom of our faces that we tend to forget about…JUST SMILE! I’ve always heard it takes more muscles to frown than to smile. SO SMILE. Even when we don’t feel like it or our hearts are sad, smiling can make all the difference in the world. That’s it. Master these 3 things and life will be a piece of cake. Well maybe not every day but putting in the effort is half the battle. My point being, if I didn’t have my Mom to teach me these things where would I be. If you are reading this I am sure you can think of a list of “important lessons” your own mother has taught you. With this adoption I feel like the pressure is on ten times worse to be the best parents we can be. I know I will screw up at some point in time but if I stick to the important things…the real important things; Jesus, family and smiling…life, my job, parenting and everything in between can come at me full force but at the end of the day I can talk to Jesus about all my problems, thank Him for the little blessing in my life, look over and kiss my husband good night and fall asleep smiling. That’s all my children will need to see to know that the world can still be good.

So today celebrate my Mom’s birthday with me. In her honor, teach your children what really matters. If you don’t have any children yet to teach that’s fine…thank your own Mom for the ones you have to share someday. Thank her for that crazy recipe she makes that always leaves you feeling warm and fuzzy inside and will make you argue till the death that “it’s better than Cracker Barrel’s!” or for that famous quote of hers you use and everyone always reminds you that “you sound just like your mother!” But most important don’t forget that all of these things are just part of the bigger picture. Forest Gump’s Momma taught him a lot of life lessons and who doesn’t love comparing life to a box of chocolates…but I like my Momma’s philosophy a little better…I’ll just stick to Jesus, family and smiling. And I can’t wait to share precious Mommy memories like the ones I have with Baby R

momma3

Make your face smile upon your servant, and teach me your statutes.” Psalms 119:135

Painting Beauty With Ashes 

Be Held (Click the words for link)
  
Rewind to the beginning of summer. We had finally found a doctor we both loved and we were both confident that this was it. We would be pregnant by the end of summer and would be spending Christmas opening baby gifts from our family. 

Cycle number one came and my body responded too strongly to the hormones and my eggs released sooner than the doctors estimated. The money we had spent and lost on that round of hormone medicines wasn’t as aggravating as the effects of the hormones itself! Trust me! However I think Marc and my co-workers suffered worse than I did lol 

30 days later:

  
 IUI number one….failed and it broke our hearts. I remember the moment we took the pregnancy test. I just cried. Instantly. Marc didn’t say a word. He just pulled my face into his chest and held me. I knew it would hurt but I wasn’t expecting that I would cry to be honest. I recall someone making the comment that “there was nothing there really so there is nothing to cry about.” Nothing there? Technically yes there was nothing there but our faith was so strong we didn’t think about it not working. But we didn’t have time to dwell because with IUI, you just pick things back up within 5-7 days and try again. 

  
IUI number two…failed. And it broke our hearts once again. This time in a different way. We talked about it this time. We told our selves in the beginning we would not attempt any more than 3 IUI’s. Our doctor suggested we pick a number and he agreed that 3 was a good number considering both of our bodies contribute to our infertility. 

Marc and I wrestled this decision but after 1 failed cycle and 2 failed IUI’s, it just didn’t seem like this was going to work for us. Not to mention the money and time lost at work from numerous doctors appointments we had already put into it.

The next option was IVF. But after LOTS of research, many more doctors appointments, finding out we needed about $15,000 up front and that is was only a 45% chance in our case that it would even work, we put things on pause for a bit. I needed to process this and Be Held. 

  
In the next few months I watched my social media pages flood with pregnancy announcements and I watched my heart break more and more. It wasn’t until Marc approached me with the idea to look into adoption. I was instantly offended. How dare he give up! How dare he take that away from me! I didn’t realize until later that he wasn’t giving up at all….God had just spoke to him first before He told me….

That summer was one of the craziest roller coasters I’ve ever been on. When I thought my world was falling apart it was only falling into place. I needed to take some time and pout so to speak and let God hold me while He spoke to Marc to lead and guide our family to what we believe was the plan all along. 

  

“Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.” Jeremiah 33:3 

This chair…

This chair…

I can remember as a child rocking my little sister in this very chair. I remember a specific picture my mom took when I was about 4. I had two long, wet and freshly washed pig tailed braids draped over my shoulder and a screaming red faced baby in my arms not interested in taking pictures what so ever. When Marc and I decided to take our “pregnancy” pictures, I knew this chair had to be a part of them. When my mom saw these pictures her eyes filled with tears and honestly I don’t think she was expecting the emotions they gave her because I felt the same way when I first saw them. (I get my sentimental side from her.) My mom told me that not only did I rock my sister in that chair but before she was born I would rock my baby dolls and sing to them in it. {long sigh} This chair has been preparing me for mother hood my entire childhood.

Everyone asks their kids what they want to be when they grow up and I know most little girls say “Be a mommy” among other “real jobs” but I have had that natural motherly instinct from the beginning. I remember when people would ask me “what I wanted to be” I have said things like; doctor, teacher, physical therapist, chef and a million other occupations. Not surprising if you know me that I’m the worlds biggest procrastinator and also change my mind “more than my sheets” as my Granny used to always tell me. But in my heart I knew I was GOING to be a Mommy one day, it wasn’t something that I needed to “try” to be or tell people I was going “to be”. I knew I already was. This may sound strange and its hard to explain in words I think but being a mommy isn’t something you “turn into”…..you just are. Rocking babies that call me Mommy is what God intended for me to do and I didn’t need to “grow up” to be one, God already made me one, my baby just wasn’t physically on this earth yet. He has been guiding me to him or her my entire life through trials and lessons that I needed to appreciate the gift He was was going to someday send my husband and I. The Bible instructs us to have childlike faith…this chair is that for me.

“….calls those things which do not exist as though they did” Romans 4:17

bear

Our Prelude…

Our Prelude…

September 3rd 2015 marks the final class for our adoption process through St. Joseph’s Children’s Home. Marc and I along with our loved ones are praying for God to send us the perfect referral to complete our family. We appreciate all the love and support from those who have known about our journey so far and we can’t wait to share the news when we are able to bring our child home. Many know the struggle we have faced over the last year with infertility and starting our family and we would have never imagined that this would be the calling that God would place in our hearts but we could not be more excited or anxious for the opportunity for such an act of selfless love. We wanted to share our journey and our story as a reminder that we are not compromising or settling. This choice is just as special and natural to us as if we were announcing that we were pregnant. As we document this journey we know that God is directing our every step and one day our children will be able to look back on these moments and realize the efforts we made to bring them home and how much we love them. We still have not given up hope that the Lord will bless us with our own pregnancy, we are simply trusting that His will be done.

 “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him, and He will act.” Psalm 37:4-5

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